Why Sirius Black is Afraid of Nuns
by lollipopprongs
Summary: Sirius is afraid of nuns and freaks out when he sees one while Christmas shopping with James. James asks why Sirius is afraid of the frail old women. What a mistake that was... Rated to be safe.


Why Sirius Black is Afraid of Nuns

**Why Sirius Black is Afraid of Nuns**

**I'm not JKR, but I won't take all the credit for this story. My seventh and eighth grade came up with all of these reasons to dislike/be afraid of/be angry with/etc nuns. If you think that this is wrong, you've never met the nuns at our school. So here's to creepy nuns and why they're creepy/scary/strange/annoying/etc!**

It was early December and Sirius and James were doing some Christmas shopping on the streets of London. They were talking about the holidays and how it would be little Harry's first Christmas when suddenly Sirius left out a yelp of pure fear and leapt behind James in fright.

"What?" James asked, his eyes scanning the area for one of Sirius' many crazy ex-girlfriends; or his mother, perhaps.

"It… It's a nun," Sirius whispered into James' ear.

James instantly relaxed. "So? She's just an old lady who's more religious than the rest of the world. Nothing to be afraid of, really."

"Oh yes there is!" Sirius countered. "Nuns are very, very creepy. You should really be more afraid of them, you know."

James looked skeptical. "And what reasoning do you have for thinking that they are creepy?" James asked. The boy didn't know what he was getting himself into…

"Well…" Sirius began.

_They wear black and white to try to bring us back to the 1920s when the entire universe was black and white._

"What?" James was laughing. "That's ridiculous, Padfoot!"

"No, it's completely and utterly truth!"

_They run evil schools._

"Not all nuns run schools, Sirius…" James tried to say.

"I said that they run evil schools!" Sirius yelled quite loudly in James' ear. He had quite a temper on him… "Moving on…" Sirius said.

_They yell at innocent school kids about belts and, and ties and shoes. They force students to wear solid colored shoes that have to be blue, black, or brown!_

"Sounds like McGonagall, and she's not a nun." James countered.

"Does McGonagall try to bring the world back to the 1920s? I didn't think so!"

_They're all old!_

"No, I've seen young nuns." James stated matter of factly.

"No you haven't!" Sirius screeched before moving on too quickly for James to argue.

_They try to hypnotize people into following god._

"Sirius, just 'cause they follow god, doesn't mean that they are trying to hypnotize people." James said rationally.

"But they are trying to hypnotize people!" Sirius exclaimed.

_They shave their heads._

"What?" James was bewildered.

"Yeah, that's why they wear those veil thingies; 'cause they can't have hair." Sirius tried to explain.

"But why can't they have hair?" James asked, still bewildered.

"'Cause god hates hair 'cause he could never get his cut so that it looked sexy like mine back in Jerusalem in his time." Sirius said this as though it were obvious.

_All they talk about is how gay people are bad._

"Nuh-uh," James said rolling his eyes at the thought of nuns.

"Yes! I spent a day in a class with a nun… Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve…" Sirius was shuddering at the memory.

"What?" James asked through his laughter.

"Yeah, and they talk about how sex and stuff is wrong until you're married!"

"Looks like you're going to hell then, doesn't it Pads? Why were you in this class, anyway?"

"Clara brought me, more like dragged me, actually the morning after we… well yeah, and she forced me to go with her."

"Wait, so your religious girlfriend brought you to a religion class after having sex with you? And the class was about how you aren't supposed to do that?"

"Yes! The nuns are hypnotizing her! And the class was supposed to be about that cardboard stuff they eat in church!"

_They smile sweetly, when really they're hypnotizing you._

"You can't count that as a reason, you already said that they were hypnotizing people!" James argued.

"Fine! They smile to make people feel like the nun is a good person so that the nun has you on their good side before they turn into an evil vampire in the middle of the night." James was doubled over laughing.

_They're secretly penguins in disguise and in the middle of the night the turn into evil vampires._

"What's your fascination with nun secretly being vampires?" James asked when he got over his laughing fit.

"Well they are!"

_They don't like gay people!_

"So? And didn't you already say that?" James asked indifferently.

"What's wrong with Remus?" Sirius asked, suddenly furious. James was stunned. "I thought you liked him!"

"What's Remus got to do with evil nuns?"

"Well he's obviously gay." Sirius said as though it were blatant.

"What?" James nearly shrieked.

"Didn't you know?" Sirius asked casually.

"If he's gay, why's he got a girlfriend?" James asked suddenly after a short pause.

"He's obviously insecure about his feelings."

"Oh my god!" James cried in exasperation.

"It's better to say 'oh my gosh', sonny!" The old nun cried to James from a couple of meters away. Sirius squealed in fright and pulled James and him into a dark alley.

"Sirius! What was that for?" James asked as he struggled not to fall over.

"It talked to you," Sirius whispered. James groaned and dragged Sirius out of the alley but when they reached the end Sirius refused to move any farther.

"Come on Sirius!" James tugged at his friend's arm.

"No! I'm not going out there to let the penguin hypnotize me and bite me in the middle of the night with her vampire fangs!" Sirius said in a tone that clearly said 'James are you out of your mind?'. James rolled his eyes and decided that they could stand at the very end of the alley.

"Okay, so where was I?" Sirius thought for a moment. "Ah yes, number 11…"

_Not only are they bald, but they wear those veil things to hide their horns!_

"Horns? Are they mountain goats as well?" James asked jokingly.

"Nice observation, Prongs, but no. They're really minions of the devil out to convert us and send us to hell." Sirius said all this very calmly.

"Why would they follow god if they're minions of the devil?" James asked.

"They need a cover-up story."

_They start nuclear wars._

"What?" James asked, his eyes bulging from his head. "Who started a nuclear was except that Hitler dude?"

"Uh… That doesn't matter!" Sirius said quickly and moving on before James had time to smirk.

_They control little kids with their mind-controlling powers._

"Wouldn't that go along with hypnotism?" James asked, sighing.

"But…well…naauuh!" James laughed at his very immature friend.

_When they're sweeping, they're really using laser beams to zap young students and kill them!_

"They murder students too?" James asked with amazement at Sirius' imagination.

"Well… I guess they don't _kill_ them, but… that's how they hypnotize them!"

"Back to the hypnotism!" James cried in exasperation.

_They shove the hypnotized children into their disastrous cellar and make them work as slaves._

"So they hypnotize, are vampires, have horns, and support slavery? Wow, to think I've been living my life thinking that they were just sweet old ladies." James said sarcastically.

"Now you're seeing things clearly!" Sirius exclaimed.

_They brainwash teachers and the 'good' nuns to be boring and then train them to hypnotize little children._

"More people hypnotizing children… Wait, do these children have to power to hypnotize other children?"

"No! They're locked up in the cellar, remember?"

"Oh right, sorry!" James rolled his eyes. "Hold on, is McGonagall hypnotized? She's a teacher."

"Of course not! Only muggles can be nuns!"

"Wha- how do you figure?"

"Well, no wizard is going around wearing a veil."

"How would you know which ones are wizards? You see, we try to keep the fact that we're wizards a secret!"

"Fine, fine, fine!"

_They take Eeyore and use their vampire bite to turn him into a hypnotizing Eeyore vampire thingy!_

"What's an Eeyore?" James asked curiously.

"He's a muggle thing, an evil molecular donkey vampire on stilts with long blonde hair that poisons people with apples."

"Wow… muggles are weird."

"True that," Sirius agreed.

"And they call this thing an _Eeyore?_" James asked incredulously.

"Yup!"

"Wait, if he's already a hypnotizing vampire, how do nuns fall into this picture?"

"Next point!" Sirius exclaimed suddenly.

_They wear nurse shoes._

"So? I hear that they're comfortable." James reasoned.

"No! No, no, no, no, no! You cannot say that! No!" Sirius screeched, causing innocent bystanders to stare.

"Whoa! Calm down!" James exclaimed.

Sirius glared at the boy opposite him. "I despise your taste in footwear."

_They make us walk._

"We walk all the time on our own." James said resignedly. "We were just walking."

"They were making us walk then!" Sirius yelled.

"You're mental!" James accused.

'_We're God's kids, made in his image!'_

"What the bloody hell are you doing?" James asked, motioning for Sirius to quiet down.

"They force students to sing freaky, god-oriented songs." Sirius said, smiling that he got his point across.

"When has a nun forced you to sing that?" James asked in genuine wonder.

"Those were the bad times in my life…" James rolled his eyes.

_They make you eat… cafeteria food!_

"What exactly is wrong with that?"

"It's icky!" Sirius yelled as though it were obvious in James' face.

_They don't let students use pencils._

"That's not that uncommon. Do you have a fascination with pencils?"

"Pencils are cool."

"You never use one."

"Well… Moving on!"

_They use big words._

"So does Remus." James said indifferently.

"What does Remus do?" A voice asked.

James smiled. "Hi Remus. Just having Sirius explain to me why nuns are bad. I wish I never asked now."

"Why? What's it come to?" Remus asked, not knowing what he was getting himself into.

"Vampires, Eeyores, and the fact that you're gay." James summed up.

"What?" Remus asked, evidently startled.

"Yeah…"

"How can I be gay? What about Cathleen?" Remus asked, still in shock.

"Apparently you're really in love with Sirius and you use Cathleen as a "cover-up"."

Remus opened and shut his mouth a few times. "I'm gonna shove my foot into such unwanted places in that boy's body." Remus said with his voice filled with venom.

"Aw, come on, Moony! You know you like me." Sirius waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

"Are you sure _you're_ not the gay one here?" Remus asked.

"Yeah," James added. "And you date all of those girls because _you're_ insecure about _your_ feelings." Sirius laughed.

"I don't think so, Jamie. I am the most manly, Sirius Black."

"I think you're on quack…" Remus muttered.

"Quack? Like a duck!" Sirius exclaimed excitedly.

"The duck's long thin tubular bundle of nerves that is an extension of the central nervous system from the brain and is enclosed in and protected by the bony vertebral column, yes." Remus said, stunning Sirius.

"Okay then, moving on."

_They push paralyzed people at the bucket._

"What?" Remus asked.

"Well, paralyzed people can't 'kick the bucket', so technically they should never die. But then nuns come along and shove the poor paralyzed people at the bucket, killing them."

"That's crap." Remus said shortly.

"You wanna bet?" Sirius asked challengingly.

"Sure, a hundred galleons you never see a nun push a paralyzed person at a bucket."

"You're on!" Sirius put on his mock glare.

The try to control our lives.

"By hypnotism, no doubt." James muttered.

"You got it, Prongsie!"

"What's this with nuns and hypnotism?" Remus asked, unsure if he really wanted to know.

"That's been most of this conversation. Everything relating with nuns has to do with hypnotizing little children." James explained while rolling his eyes.

"Oh, well then… I guess that makes… Padfoot, that makes absolutely no sense at all!"

_They're really super models._

"What…"

"Whom would they model for? You said yourself that they are all old and wrinkly!" James yelled.

"They super model for super old people, obviously."

"That's ridiculous!" Remus argued.

"It's all true! Nuns are scary and these are all real reasons to be afraid of them!" Sirius shouted back.

_Nuns in South America wear blouses with blood-sucking vampire-butterflies on them._

"What the…" James wondered.

"It's true! I saw it in a book!"

Remus was amazed. "You read a book?"

"No, I looked at the pictures. They were colorful!"

"And they told you that nuns wear blouses with blood-sucking vampire-butterflies on them?" James asked skeptically.

"Yes!"

"Oh wow…"

_They scold children with broken bones in their arms for not taking notes. How could they take notes with a broken arm?_

"Where'd you get that one?" James seemed curious.

"I think it was a muggle cartoon," Remus murmured under his breath to James.

"No I didn't! It's true! The principal ones do that!"

"When?" Remus asked.

"I saw it. Really! I went to a religiony school for a family reunion when I was seven."

"Why'd your family go to a religious school for a _family reunion_?" James asked.

"Mum wanted to… er… murder muggle school children." Sirius said, more quickly than usual.

"Did I ever mention how _sweet_ your mother is?" Remus asked, his question dripping with sarcasm.

"Yes, I agree. They're really something!" James said mockingly.

_They show movie things with creepy purple-faced villains._

"No comment."

"How do you know this one?" Remus asked Sirius.

"Er… I… I'm magical!" Sirius exclaimed smiling.

"You're full of crap," Remus responded.

"I am not! I am a wizard!"

30…

"You're just avoiding all of the discussion after each of these reasons." Remus stated.

"Silence Moony!" Sirius shrieked.

_They're prejudice against girls wearing skirts because they think that the girls are actually boys and then they hate the girls._

"Did you ever think that maybe the girls did something wrong to make the nun hate them?" Remus asked seriously.

"Nuns aren't supposed to hate because they follow god!"

"But if the girl's always pushing the nuns buttons…" James started.

"They can't hate!" Sirius screamed in his friend's faces.

_They force people to learn Spanish!_

"A lot of muggle schools are required to take Spanish." Remus stated matter-of-factly.

"But Spanish is evil!"

"Most teacher who aren't nuns make students learn Spanish." Remus added.

"Remus, Remus, Remus… don't tell lies." Sirius scolded.

"I'm not…"

_They make students read!_

"All teachers make student read, Sirius." Remus stated.

"McGonagall makes us read." James added.

"No… McGonagall is… nuns are… They make students read way more!"

_They let people names 'Drew' learn!_

"Dumbledore let's that Hufflepuff names Drew learn," James pointed out.

"No! Don't talk about that foul man!" Sirius was covering his ears yelping.

"It's true though…"

"No!"

_They don't let girls wear miniskirts._

"So?" Remus asked.

"Remus! The miniskirt must be my favorite invention of them all! Have you seen some chicks' legs? Why would we want to cover them up?" James looked around at several girls who were, indeed, wearing miniskirts. He could argue with Sirius until he saw a woman eating a pastry who looked like she had eaten a few too many pastries in her years.

"Okay, some chicks, I don't wanna see their legs," James told Sirius, indicating to the woman with the pastry.

"But…" Sirius looked around and saw an attractive girl with long legs wearing pants. "How much would you love to see _her_ legs?" Sirius smiled at the girl who looked over, blushed furiously and looked back at what she was doing.

"I'd rather see Lily's…" James sighed at the thought.

"From the noises you make, I'm assuming you do quite often." Sirius mumbled. _Having to share an apartment with James wasn't easy, _Sirius thought. What he didn't know was that James thought the same thing about him.

"Can we move on, please?" Remus asked.

"See James, Remus doesn't like talking about girls! He's obviously gay!" Sirius yelled.

"I am not!" Remus whispered furiously.

_They force people to "follow the Christian path"._

"They don't _force_ anyone to…"

"They do if you go to a Catholic-y school!"

"What wrong with the Christian religion?" James asked.

"They're going to convert everyone and then they're will be no more Jews and no more Broadway!" Sirius complained loudly.

"Broadway?" James asked.

"What do Jews have to do with Broadway?" Remus asked.

"Haven't you seen the muggle play? You can't have Broadway without Jews!"

"Oh, that play thing? That's a loud of rubbish, Sirius."

"No! I love those people!"

"But they don't really act like that…"

"Silence! Don't say that! Let's move on!" Sirius yelled frantically.

_They don't believe in swearing._

"Well why don't you go to a Christian school and you can get a shit-loud of detention and be converted into a good little Sirius?" James suggested.

"Are you kidding? I'd be expelled! We both would!"

"Is it really necessary to swear as much as you do?"

"It sure as hell is!"

"Hell yeah, James!" Remus sighed and rubbed his temples.

_They hire sucky math teachers…_

"Sirius you don't…"

_And sucky art teachers…_

"But, Sirius…"

_And sucky science teachers._

"Sirius you don't take any of those classes!" Remus finally yelled.

"So?"

"How would you know if the teachers are sucky or not?"

"I had this girlfriend…"

"Enough said." James muttered.

"She talked a lot about her school. And she wore her little uniform skirt and…"

"God, Sirius! Shut up!" James bellowed.

"Huh? Oh, right, back to business."

_They hire teachers who well let one person finish their work, then tell the class they don't have to finish the work so that the person who already finished always does extra and ends up being overworked and dies._

"They die?" Remus asked skeptically.

"Well… Maybe _die_ was the wrong word." Sirius said.

_They're really ninjas!_

"Ninjas?"

"Yes, ninjas!"

"Do these ninjas just _happen_ to hypnotize people?" James asked, already knowing the answer.

"Exactly, Prongsie!"

"Oh my…" Remus mumbled.

_Nuns are stubborn._

"So are you." Remus stated.

"Not the point."

"Then what is the point?"

"Nuns are stubborn!" Sirius roared. Remus rolled his eyes.

_You can't wear sleeveless shirts._

"Why?" James asked.

"I don't know, they claim it reveals to much skin and that they don't want a bunch of Victoria's Secret models running around. Though I wouldn't mind."

"You're a pig." Remus interjected.

"Blame the hormones."

_They choose favorites and hate everyone else!_

"Most teachers do that, though it is wrong…" Remus added.

"But they don't even try to…" Just then a frail voice came from behind Sirius.

"Would you nice young boys like to give to the charity…" By this time Sirius had turned around, his eyes had widened, he shrieked in horror, and began running down the street in the opposite direction.

James and Remus tried not to smirk as they smiled and explained to the old nun that their friend gets scared easily and that they are sorry about his rudeness before walking after the screaming boy, laughing all the way…

**Yay! I finally finished it! My friend and I were discussing a second part where Sirius goes to a catholic school with James and Remus for a day or something like that. Tell me if you want it or not. Review!**


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